he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
