Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
