I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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