is your mom at the bar?
I am puke
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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