cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
