If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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