just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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