Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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