look no pants
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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