i already hear my dad disowning me
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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