the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
