I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
