i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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