While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
