i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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