Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
