So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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