I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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