I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
