Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
