Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
