I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
