i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
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