My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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