Her vagina should come with caution tape.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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