Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
