i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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