Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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