On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
