My hand turned me down
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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