I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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