why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
