You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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