the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
