if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
