Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
