I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
