I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
