I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
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