In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We were destined to go to rehab together
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
