It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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