apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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