all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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