every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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