this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
