she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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