i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
