Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
