you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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