genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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