apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So vagazzling was a success
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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