you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
