He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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