I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
