I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
